Why?

ah the age old philosophical question... why?

recently i have been pressed to search within myself for why i do things. what is my ultimate motivation?
honestly, i have found that it mainly rests on acceptance.

many of my decisions are based on what my parents would say. whether they would like it, would want, would be able to be proud of it. ultimately it has made me choose between their dream and mine. i have not chosen for myself. and i begin to wonder when i will?

furthermore i do other things to receive praise or be "noticed". i am often labelled as a know it all, since i readily share knowledge. i only do this so as to see the face of someone's astonishment at learning something new and the feeling of knowing more. i use big words to hide my insecurities. i write and design and draw in the hope that friends, family or teachers will praise my work, making me feel like i'm worth something.

ultimately i am unable to sustain myself with motivation and thus quit quickly when i do not have an obvious solution. in a way i write this again to gain your attention, perhaps hoping for pity or comfort, or perhaps maybe admittance is the beginning.