Tuesday, 18 February 2014

The Perfection Complex

Perfection is something most of us strive to, it is inherently built into our personalities. A drive to be flawless. Perhaps this is simply a kind of primitive way to compete for a mate, or a drive to be the alpha. Whatever it is, many of us have even been consumed by our drive to perfection.

I am not a perfect person myself, but I have been blessed with a reputation of perfection and I am not the only one. The thing with this illusion of perfection is that it is a fine line of tightrope walking on the edge of a very sharp sword. And you can tumble either way.

The first side is the isolation brought by perfection. It is terrifying knowing that people see you as someone who is "undesirable" at a social function because you're "too good". People are surprised when you enjoy a party, drink alcohol or touch a cigarette. "I never thought you could actually enjoy yourself". They find it disconcerting that you are interested in hanging out with them, because that would be "less than perfect".

The second is the danger of being consumed by this perfection. A projection of intense perfection towards the outside world. The problem is that this projection lays against your real skin, smothering the real you. Eventually you find yourself doing the right ("perfect") thing instead of what you want, or even wanting to do the "perfect" thing, no matter the consequences. You have no idea of the self anymore, only what is expected of you and you follow this impulse blindly, because that is perfection. And it destroys you.

Ultimately I wish I could say that I have a solution. That we should all just abandon perfection, live our own lives and be broken and wonderful.
But I can't. I'm trapped in a glass cage with a painted image and so are so many out there. The only way to escape from that is to crack it, pry it, break it and eventually smash it. But be aware that glass cuts. abandoning perfection will have it's price.

That's enough depression for this week ^_~


Sunday, 29 December 2013

Residual Grudges

When I was in the fourth grade we were given a project to do a presentation on our role model. It was the first project I ever did completely on my own and I was really proud of all the biographical information I was able to gather on my chosen role model, Jacques Kallis (who incidentally finished his cricketing career today).  I was really fluffing my feathers about my great mark when the next boy, Lian van der Lith, did his presentation on Nelson Mandela. To my absolute horror he did better than I did (this might have been the beginning of my whole Mandela issue in the first place).

Now this entire boring and traumatising story was related to explain to you a concept that I refer to as Residual Grudges. I still remember 8 years later about a guy that slightly upstaged me in painful detail.
I am a terrible victim of both Jealousy and Holding Grudges. Sometimes it even happens subconsciously or involuntarily. I will be jealous of something or someone and start feeling anger. This anger translates into a very cold attitude toward that entity and before you know it I can’t stand it and become all dark and dangerous in its presence.

And I really can’t think that I’m the only one who holds these grudges.
The problem comes in when I allow these grudges to affect my entire life and existence. I need to learn to consciously check situations for this jealousy and control it, so that I won’t keep destroying myself and my relationships.

And as we all know “Jealousy makes you Nasty, Nasty makes you Fat, Fat makes you Ugly and that’s a Fact”



Sunday, 15 December 2013

Love (The Broader Concept)

Well hi there world! It's a wonderfully sunny South African Sunday afternoon.

I have recently had to confront myself with a problem that I struggle with immensely. I seem to be incapable of classifying my feelings, especially when to do with the concept of affection or love, for people.

Love is a broader thing. It is described as a strong feeling of affection or can be used to describe a great interest and pleasure in something. Thankfully these are not the components I get a little foggy about (imagine getting all bumbly when you start taking photos cause you really love doing it... Yeah. Weird image ^_~ YES THAT'S A PUN!). The problem comes in that love as a term is not definable as a single type of affection. There are various degrees and objects of this affection [love].

C.S. Lewis defined these types of love very effectively in his book "The Four Loves", based on the Greek words for Love: Storge, Philia, Eros and Agape.

Lewis defines the last of these, Agape, as the greatest of all loves. It is Unconditional Love or Charity. I see this love as the most basic of loves. It is the simplest and purest affection I can feel for a person. Normally this affection will kick in the moment I meet you, as friends will tell you, because I literally drag people I meet into my heart (whether you like it or not). This is when I become a ferocious friend, extremely supportive and rather prying. You can then choose to reject this "friendship" or allow me into your life. This is rather simple.

The part where it get's tricky is when you have let me in. There is Storge (or affection), Philia (or friendship) and Eros (or romantic). Many of my friends will tell you that once our friendship has become important to me I start practicing a very strong parental love. I know, it's slightly weird, but it's like a mother-hen-syndrome and I can't help myself. Already here I have broken the boundary with Philia an Storge. But we all agree that though slightly creepy, there is nothing inherently wrong about feeling this way.

The problem is that I can sometimes confuse the feelings of Philia or even Storge as Eros. This is the point where I perceive the immensely strong feelings of affection I experience as a romantic attraction. I even sometimes manage to trick myself into thinking these feelings are reciprocated.

I wish I had figured this problem out sooner, because it recently cost me relationship and that saddens me greatly. I am just glad that I have at least identified my problem of "mixing up love". Now to try and fix it.


Tuesday, 26 November 2013

I am terrified

Today's blog won't be as preppy, cocky or funny as it usually is, bu that is because I am at a majorly terrifying point in my life.

Granted, I am not going through PTSD, neither am I chronically depressed, have been threatened with death or done up a terrible incurable disease. So logically I have no reason to be feeling this way right? And since when have I magically become logical?

Yesterday I finished highschool. Yay! Major success! And I know what I'm doing next year. My accommodation is sorted out. And my parents have saved up enough that I should be able to finish my course without monetary trouble. Sorted.

Now bring into consideration that I have lived in the same house since I was born. I was in the same preprimary for 5 years, the same primary school for 7 years and the same highschool for a further 5 years. My schools have always been small and concentrated. Heck my current highschool had only about 600 learners so each child could get individual attention in class.

Add to that that for the first six months next year I will be in a class the size of my entire highschool and I'm falling apart and realising just how small I am.

Then there is the fact that being part of a close knit community, many of the people I know from preprimary went with me to primary school and from there to highschool. And even those who went to different schools were a few neighbourhoods away. Now we will be going to universities in completely different cities. The few that are attending my university are further divided into courses that take different classes and you end up with even less people you see. Again the fact that classes are now the size of my highschool and bam! chances of seeing someone you know has just become minuscule.

To be honest I guess I'm just terribly afraid of losing my safe and structured controlled environment with individuals I have learned to handle and how to respond to them. I am terrified of realising how small and insignificant I am in the great scheme of things. And I guess I'm scared of going from being a biggish fish in a small pond to a scarily small fish in the ocean.

But like all things I suppose it'll pass and I'll be back to my normal preppy happy self again.


Saturday, 16 November 2013

The Illusion of Familiarity - My Transition to Internet Stalker

Recently I have discovered a dangerous problem I have.

Immersing yourself in social networks such as Tumblr and Youtube can give you the opportunity to make a myriad of new friends. The problem starts manifesting when you forget that even on something accessible as this there are limitations.

I find myself increasingly attempting to befriend internet celebrities as I would any other person I meet via a social network.

This seems to come from the illusion of familiarity that is created by the internet. These people broadcast their lives publicly. Not a difficult concept to grasp. So do my friends. Oh hey look! I have instant access to the lives of my friends. And to the lives of strangers I find entertaining. Strangers and friends.

Here my brain goes haywire. It used to happen with characters in books and series, but I could never interact inter-personally with those characters. This wonderful thing called the internet not only shows me the lives of these familiar strangers, but also gives me a way of contacting them. Directly. Hey! I can contact my friends directly. I see no reason that these people whose lives I am intimately familiar with and who I can reach with a few key swipes and a simple click.

And bam! I'm a stalker who should be receiving a restraining order through the mail just about now.

I somehow forget that the things these people tweet, post or film are not sent exclusively to me. They are publicly broadcast to millions of other people internationally. I am one single person of a multitude that are reached daily. And beside that which I can learn from their videos or blogs, I do not know anything about these people. I simply am not their "Friend".

I would be lying if I said I was simply a number to them. But I am very unlikely to be more than a name, an occasional comment and an irritating fanmail out of a heap every day.

And I cannot think that I am the only person who struggles with this.

So for those of you out there who have this problem too, I guess all we can do is take a moment to breathe. Step back and realise that these people are, until some weird twist of fate, simply more characters whose stories we can enjoy. And then get back to crossing our fingers and waiting for that reply to the millionth letter we sent to a certain Youtuber ^_~


Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Exam Time is Series Time!!!

We all know the truth of it. There is no larger motivation for procrastination than the looming presence of a test you need to study for. Compile a whole bunch of those in succession and you have no other choice but to leave everything till the last moment, or alternatively lose your sanity.

We all have fun procrastinating in our own ways, so here follows my top 10 favourites :)

1. Watch a Series!
        Oh yes, a wonderfully productive one!
This season's winners are:

Naruto Shippuden

Death Note

 2-5. This falls in a major category of the Internet
      2. Youtube
      3. Facebook
      4. Twitter
      5. Tumblr

6. Teaching myself new tunes on the piano... Or at least attempting to.

7. Starting and finishing a new Game
    Assassin's Creed Brotherhood

8. Attempting to start with your designs again.
    Yeah, no comment on that.

9. Oh I don't know. Get fit, get muscles. Do something worthwhile.

10. Writing this blog.

Yes I just went there and yes this was just another way to avoid hitting the books. You're welcome.
Either way, I should really be getting to that.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

X-Men Days of Future Past. YAY!

I have returned from Limbo!

And I start off immediately by geeking out!

I might have possibly mentioned it in the past, but I don't like superhero movies. They really bug me for some unknown reason. I just can't sit through an entire one (okay, maybe I enjoyed Avengers...).

But there is one exception to this rule. I have always been extremely fond of X-Men (if Wolverine just popped into your head, you are dead to me. No I despise him). Please do note that when I say extremely fond I mean asdfghjkl, I just can't. That being said, I have never read the comics and know very little of the extended universe (cue the burning).
But all of this is only a small introduction for the reason for this post. Ever since First Class, I have been watching the internet anxiously, following the rumours of a new movie, leaked images, footage and cast announcements and all the other buzz. Eventually it got a name. X-Men Days of Future Past.

And now, the Trailer has been released! And again I simply cannot just oh dear asdfghjkl. This has gotten me so damn excited that I barely have words. What I can say is that it looks dark and dramatic and full of crazy mutants. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about.

Don't believe me? See for yourself.

As for me. I think it's obvious that I cannot wait anymore.

Anyway peeps