Residual Grudges

When I was in the fourth grade we were given a project to do a presentation on our role model. It was the first project I ever did completely on my own and I was really proud of all the biographical information I was able to gather on my chosen role model, Jacques Kallis (who incidentally finished his cricketing career today).  I was really fluffing my feathers about my great mark when the next boy, Lian van der Lith, did his presentation on Nelson Mandela. To my absolute horror he did better than I did (this might have been the beginning of my whole Mandela issue in the first place).

Now this entire boring and traumatising story was related to explain to you a concept that I refer to as Residual Grudges. I still remember 8 years later about a guy that slightly upstaged me in painful detail.

I am a terrible victim of both Jealousy and Holding Grudges. Sometimes it even happens subconsciously or involuntarily. I will be jealous of something or someone and start feeling anger. This anger translates into a very cold attitude toward that entity and before you know it I can’t stand it and become all dark and dangerous in its presence.

And I really can’t think that I’m the only one who holds these grudges.

The problem comes in when I allow these grudges to affect my entire life and existence. I need to learn to consciously check situations for this jealousy and control it, so that I won’t keep destroying myself and my relationships.

And as we all know “Jealousy makes you Nasty, Nasty makes you Fat, Fat makes you Ugly and that’s a Fact”

Peace

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Love (The Broader Concept)

Well hi there world! It's a wonderfully sunny South African Sunday afternoon.

I have recently had to confront myself with a problem that I struggle with immensely. I seem to be incapable of classifying my feelings, especially when to do with the concept of affection or love, for people.

Love is a broader thing. It is described as a strong feeling of affection or can be used to describe a great interest and pleasure in something. Thankfully these are not the components I get a little foggy about (imagine getting all bumbly when you start taking photos cause you really love doing it... Yeah. Weird image ^_~ YES THAT'S A PUN!). The problem comes in that love as a term is not definable as a single type of affection. There are various degrees and objects of this affection [love].

C.S. Lewis defined these types of love very effectively in his book "The Four Loves", based on the Greek words for Love: Storge, Philia, Eros and Agape.

Lewis defines the last of these, Agape, as the greatest of all loves. It is Unconditional Love or Charity. I see this love as the most basic of loves. It is the simplest and purest affection I can feel for a person. Normally this affection will kick in the moment I meet you, as friends will tell you, because I literally drag people I meet into my heart (whether you like it or not). This is when I become a ferocious friend, extremely supportive and rather prying. You can then choose to reject this "friendship" or allow me into your life. This is rather simple.

The part where it get's tricky is when you have let me in. There is Storge (or affection), Philia (or friendship) and Eros (or romantic). Many of my friends will tell you that once our friendship has become important to me I start practicing a very strong parental love. I know, it's slightly weird, but it's like a mother-hen-syndrome and I can't help myself. Already here I have broken the boundary with Philia an Storge. But we all agree that though slightly creepy, there is nothing inherently wrong about feeling this way.

The problem is that I can sometimes confuse the feelings of Philia or even Storge as Eros. This is the point where I perceive the immensely strong feelings of affection I experience as a romantic attraction. I even sometimes manage to trick myself into thinking these feelings are reciprocated.

I wish I had figured this problem out sooner, because it recently cost me relationship and that saddens me greatly. I am just glad that I have at least identified my problem of "mixing up love". Now to try and fix it.

Peace
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I am terrified

Today's blog won't be as preppy, cocky or funny as it usually is, bu that is because I am at a majorly terrifying point in my life.

Granted, I am not going through PTSD, neither am I chronically depressed, have been threatened with death or done up a terrible incurable disease. So logically I have no reason to be feeling this way right? And since when have I magically become logical?

Yesterday I finished highschool. Yay! Major success! And I know what I'm doing next year. My accommodation is sorted out. And my parents have saved up enough that I should be able to finish my course without monetary trouble. Sorted.

Now bring into consideration that I have lived in the same house since I was born. I was in the same preprimary for 5 years, the same primary school for 7 years and the same highschool for a further 5 years. My schools have always been small and concentrated. Heck my current highschool had only about 600 learners so each child could get individual attention in class.

Add to that that for the first six months next year I will be in a class the size of my entire highschool and I'm falling apart and realising just how small I am.

Then there is the fact that being part of a close knit community, many of the people I know from preprimary went with me to primary school and from there to highschool. And even those who went to different schools were a few neighbourhoods away. Now we will be going to universities in completely different cities. The few that are attending my university are further divided into courses that take different classes and you end up with even less people you see. Again the fact that classes are now the size of my highschool and bam! chances of seeing someone you know has just become minuscule.

To be honest I guess I'm just terribly afraid of losing my safe and structured controlled environment with individuals I have learned to handle and how to respond to them. I am terrified of realising how small and insignificant I am in the great scheme of things. And I guess I'm scared of going from being a biggish fish in a small pond to a scarily small fish in the ocean.

But like all things I suppose it'll pass and I'll be back to my normal preppy happy self again.

Peace
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The Illusion of Familiarity - My Transition to Internet Stalker

Recently I have discovered a dangerous problem I have.

Immersing yourself in social networks such as Tumblr and Youtube can give you the opportunity to make a myriad of new friends. The problem starts manifesting when you forget that even on something accessible as this there are limitations.

I find myself increasingly attempting to befriend internet celebrities as I would any other person I meet via a social network.

This seems to come from the illusion of familiarity that is created by the internet. These people broadcast their lives publicly. Not a difficult concept to grasp. So do my friends. Oh hey look! I have instant access to the lives of my friends. And to the lives of strangers I find entertaining. Strangers and friends.

Here my brain goes haywire. It used to happen with characters in books and series, but I could never interact inter-personally with those characters. This wonderful thing called the internet not only shows me the lives of these familiar strangers, but also gives me a way of contacting them. Directly. Hey! I can contact my friends directly. I see no reason that these people whose lives I am intimately familiar with and who I can reach with a few key swipes and a simple click.

And bam! I'm a stalker who should be receiving a restraining order through the mail just about now.

I somehow forget that the things these people tweet, post or film are not sent exclusively to me. They are publicly broadcast to millions of other people internationally. I am one single person of a multitude that are reached daily. And beside that which I can learn from their videos or blogs, I do not know anything about these people. I simply am not their "Friend".

I would be lying if I said I was simply a number to them. But I am very unlikely to be more than a name, an occasional comment and an irritating fanmail out of a heap every day.

And I cannot think that I am the only person who struggles with this.

So for those of you out there who have this problem too, I guess all we can do is take a moment to breathe. Step back and realise that these people are, until some weird twist of fate, simply more characters whose stories we can enjoy. And then get back to crossing our fingers and waiting for that reply to the millionth letter we sent to a certain Youtuber ^_~

Peace
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Exam Time is Series Time!!!

We all know the truth of it. There is no larger motivation for procrastination than the looming presence of a test you need to study for. Compile a whole bunch of those in succession and you have no other choice but to leave everything till the last moment, or alternatively lose your sanity.

We all have fun procrastinating in our own ways, so here follows my top 10 favourites :)


1. Watch a Series!
        Oh yes, a wonderfully productive one!
This season's winners are:
Naruto

Naruto Shippuden

Death Note

 2-5. This falls in a major category of the Internet
      2. Youtube
      3. Facebook
      4. Twitter
      5. Tumblr

6. Teaching myself new tunes on the piano... Or at least attempting to.

7. Starting and finishing a new Game
    Assassin's Creed Brotherhood

8. Attempting to start with your designs again.
    Yeah, no comment on that.

9. Oh I don't know. Get fit, get muscles. Do something worthwhile.

10. Writing this blog.

Yes I just went there and yes this was just another way to avoid hitting the books. You're welcome.
Either way, I should really be getting to that.
Peace
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X-Men Days of Future Past. YAY!

I have returned from Limbo!

And I start off immediately by geeking out!

I might have possibly mentioned it in the past, but I don't like superhero movies. They really bug me for some unknown reason. I just can't sit through an entire one (okay, maybe I enjoyed Avengers...).

But there is one exception to this rule. I have always been extremely fond of X-Men (if Wolverine just popped into your head, you are dead to me. No I despise him). Please do note that when I say extremely fond I mean asdfghjkl, I just can't. That being said, I have never read the comics and know very little of the extended universe (cue the burning).

http://tinyheroes.net/2008/09/13/the-second-wave-x-books/

But all of this is only a small introduction for the reason for this post. Ever since First Class, I have been watching the internet anxiously, following the rumours of a new movie, leaked images, footage and cast announcements and all the other buzz. Eventually it got a name. X-Men Days of Future Past.

x-menmovies.com

And now, the Trailer has been released! And again I simply cannot just oh dear asdfghjkl. This has gotten me so damn excited that I barely have words. What I can say is that it looks dark and dramatic and full of crazy mutants. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about.

Don't believe me? See for yourself.


As for me. I think it's obvious that I cannot wait anymore.

Anyway peeps
Peace!

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Phwl Designs: Tribal Fun

Hey hey! Great to be doing one of these again!!!

So the past week, instead of really paying attention in class like I should, I have been playing around with stone age type designs :) (Based on abstract costumes for the orcs from WoW - if they were to be played by humans...)

Design number one can clearly be seen as a man wearing a jaguar as a "cloak" with the normal pants. I usually hate working with animal-materials in my designs, but I really enjoyed playing around a bit with it for a change. The back legs of the jaguar would be removed, so that only the tail (the one you can see rather clearly) sticks through the belt. It retains the earthy Green and Brown of the orcs.

This design obviously drew some inspiration from Native American dress as well as a little feathers stolen from the costume designs of Lord of the Rings's Easterners. Again in the typical green and brown, but incorporating more of the earthy autumn red and yellow. Naturally there had to be a Feathered headpiece

Enjoy the rest of the week!!!

Peace

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Proudly S.A. Gay

This week I would like to state how Proud I am to be a South African Gay man.



This video states for me a very important world issue at the moment: Gay Marriage. These men are fighting for the right to to marry their partners. France recently took the very important step to allowing them this privilege.

I support these men, but this is the moment where I get to brag. South Africa, was only the seventh country internationally to allow gay marriage. It really ignites an amazing burning fire in my heart to know that my country (which is frequently disregarded as a third world country) is ahead of so many first world countries in terms of this right to love.

We are also the first country ever to have an official gay flag:

Now, however, I'm going to moan a bit.

Johannesburg pride has been cancelled for 2014. I turned 18 this year and wanted it to be my first Pride year. I guess I'm just going to have to not have a pride this year. But I'm putting this out there cause I want things to change. Joburg Pride should again become a main calendar event for this city!

Peace

Phwl

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Fresh Meat?

No this Blog is not about the "mixed-meat" worldwide food crisis. It's a whole different concept of meat. (Nor is it for sensitive viewers or readers)

I love it when my friends approach me and tell me: "Hey my one friend just came out of the closet and he'd be great for you". Usually when I use those words it would be considered sarcastic, but right now I honestly mean them.There's something to be said for the gay community. There's a rather big fantasy of seducing a straight boy (AMAZINGLY LARGE MARGINALIZATION), thus someone newly out of the closet is the next best thing.

The freshest meat is always the greatest, isn't it?

You see the freshest meat (talking bout actual meat this time) isn't always that great... Have you ever looked at fresh meat, just from the slaughterer (yes, if you listen well you'll still hear that animal crying)? It's not exactly a pretty sight. You see, fresh meat is bloody. It isn't really shaped yet and you have no idea of what it's going to taste like. Sure. It's a gastronomic (tasty) adventure. But what if it goes wrong?

Because a fridge...

...is just another closet

I think the metaphor is clear enough, but I'll explain anyway. A guy just out of the closet, though very tempting as something new, isn't always the best option. They have a lot of baggage and don't really know where hey fit in yet. They still have so many struggles and you usually get sucked into them. There's always a danger that a newly out guy can revert to the closet before you blink twice. And you have to (sometimes) deal with family blaming you for "what you did to their boy".

All I'm saying is fresh meat isn't always as fresh as it looks.

I myself prefer a well matured steak, ready for to enjoy.

Peace!!!

Escapism

I have been missing from the blogsphere the past few weeks. I felt that I simply had nothing inspired to say. And I think I have found the reason why.

When I had just started this blog, I made a rather naive post about addiction. Though I still stick with the original points made in that post (that all of us have our personal addictions and that no-one can judge another for theirs) I feel I have a new opinion to share.

I have began rephrasing the term "addiction" as "escapism". Because if we are honest with ourselves, we get addicted to things because we need a way to escape from our realities. A coping mechanism, a method of escapism or an addiction. They are one and the same thing. There might be diffirent degrees of each, but we all have ours.

Now for my confession. I have realised my happiness is terminally dependent on reading to exist. Simply put I NEED BOOKS TO BE HAPPY :) Rather a simple sentiment, but let me elaborate.

I recently got a new book to read. I could feel myself as happier and perkier in everyday life by simply submerging myself into a story at the end of each day. Escaping from real life and all it's irritations and emotions into another person's story (YES it was fantasy) helped me experience relief. It made me realise that I am badly dependent on these books to keep me happy.

Kinda sad if you think about it... But hey if you've never been in a relationship, then books might be your only option too :P The problem comes in, as with most addictions, that I cannot be happy without my stories. Sure, it's an addition that's a lot cheaper and easier to manage than most, but no-one should ground their happiness on an external object. "Happiness comes from within...." Wow I sound high... Or maybe I am. I can't decide after Artemis Fowl :P

Basically what I'm saying is I empathise! I get what an addiction feels like (I know it's not "real" to you, but to me it is). I also say find something in yourself to make you happy. Become addicted to yourself :P No-one said Narcissism was essentially bad :)

Peace

Cover Artists

I really enjoy my time on YouTube, especially since I have the amazing privilege of discovering new people and things to follow. My most recent addition to my watching ranks is a large variety of cover artists.


This video is from a guy who calls himself Roomieofficial. He really does great covers and a whole bunch of fun original songs. This is a cover of Adele's Skyfall.



This is a video of DMF or Davids Micheal Frank. He is also an amazing artist. This is That's What You Get from Paramore.



Finally Jon Cozart . This guy has done some amazing original works, especially if you're a nerd. This is a medley of covers though.

These are just a few of the amazing artists out there on the internet. so take your time and just go look for them you might be surprised :)